Martha Beck

Also known as Stella Polaris, the North Star is found at the North
Pole of the heavens. Because it does not move around like other
stars, it has always been used by explorers and seafarers to
work out their current position and check direction. The North Star
struck Martha Beck as the perfect symbol of what she calls "right life,"
the fulfilled existence that is uniquely yours and waiting to be claimed.
How do we find our star? Internal compasses, in the form of our
physical reactions, intuitions, and peculiar wants and longings, are
there to guide us, and to get us back on course when the clouds and
storms of life make us lose sight. Beck says that the key to finding our
right life is to know the difference between the essential self and the
social self. This is what we concentrate on here.
The essential self and the social self
What is the essential self? It is that quiet voice that will ask you to "walk
to the beat of a different drum" when you would prefer to stroll with the
pack. The social self is the voice that may have determined most of your
life decisions so far; it has provided you with skills, networked for you,
and is basically "responsible." Most people make their social self their
master, but for you to live a fulfilled live it should be the other way
around—take your lead from your essential self, and let the social self do
what is practically necessary to get you where you want to go.
Beck came from an academic background in which doing something
"difficult" was respected. She took Chinese as her major at college
because it sounded admirable and brainy—and she hated it. It bogged
her down mentally and was truly hard. Anything you are doing that
causes stress and struggle, she says, no matter how worthy you think it
is, is probably not part of your true direction. When you find
something that gives you joy and at which you seem easilyproductive—what in eastern philosophy is called "non-action"—it is
probably close to your North Star.
In times past, you were much more likely to do well economically
through the obedient, conformist behavior of your social self, as the
individual was always part of a larger machine. In the twenty-first century,
however, this has changed, the real money going to people with a
unique personality, skill, or product. And uniqueness never drops out of
committees, it arises from deep within a person, from your essential self.
Bringing out the essential self
The essential self is like the daimon or soul image that James Hillman
talks of in The Soul's Code. It can't speak, so it finds all kinds of ways to
be recognized. Many of Beck's clients come to her complaining that they
"self-sabotage": They fluff exams or interviews that they had to do well
in, not really knowing why. Yet what seems like an inexplicable failure
may actually be in harmony with your true desires in the long term.
One of the most vital aspects of regaining your essential self is to learn
how to say "no" again. The Japanese word for no is iie, but because
Japan is a relatively conformist society, it is actually a taboo to say it. We
learn from an early age that we must cooperate and always let our essential
self give way to our social self. But just as a caged tiger will lash out if
someone comes into its precious space, your essential self knows when to
say no. It must be allowed to do this, to state its boundaries, or you will
end up with neuroses caused by having to be nice to everyone all the time.
Your body and your brain will happily tell you when the essential
self has been ignored, be it through illness, forgetfulness, numb hostility,
apathy, Freudian slips, or addiction. Listen to your body!
Alignment with your North Star, in contrast, may release a pent-up
vitality that you last enjoyed when you were a child. You will start to
love yourself again, remember things easily, be more concerned with
good health, and be a lot more cheerful to the rest of the world. In the
eyes of those close to you, looking for your true purpose may seem selfish—
but would they rather live with the results of keeping it buried?
Making the leap
When we contemplate change (having a baby, quitting a job, taking a
year off) we make protestations to ourselves that "everybody" will think
I'm an idiot, "everybody" will hate me. This is terrifying—until we come
to understand that "everyone" is composed of just a few people, some
maybe not even still alive. Psychology describes this as the "generalized
other." Beck, for instance, took a long time to realize that merely to get
her father's approval she was writing in the unnecessarily dry style of an
academic journal when she should have been using everyday language.
Once we see that there are in fact millions of points of view on
everything, we can no longer be beholden to an imaginary everybody,
and are free to pursue what we feel to be right. Always remember, Beck
says, that the social self is programmed to avoid danger, even if it's an
illusion. By following your dreams, on the other hand, you will develop
a new and positive relationship with fear.
Final comments
Finding Your Own North Star is a comprehensive self-help book (380
pages) covering everything from how to appreciate beauty, be generous,
welcome change even when everything is OK, diagnose fear in yourself
and others, grieve, and express hate and anger, to how to follow your
intuition. What have these got to do with your North Star? Not being
"on purpose" will affect every area of your life, and you will need to
become more aware of your emotions and inner learnings to get back
to that state. The last part of the work looks at the four stages of life
through which you may go in your quest to find your North Star, and
is almost worth a book on its own. There are quizzes and exercises
throughout, many designed to "bring you out of your shell."