Doing What Works, Doing what matters

"The winners in this life know the rules of the game and have a plan,
so that their efficiency is comparatively exponential to that of people
who don't. No big mystery, just fact."
"Become one of those who get it. Break the code of human nature,
and find out what makes other people tick. Learn why you and other
people do what they do, and don't do what they don't."
"Fact: Life is a competition. They are keeping the score, and there is a
time clock."

Echoing the Chinese proverb "The beginning of wisdom is to call
things by their right names," Phil McGraw is famous as the man
who "tells it like it is." He frequently reduces people to tears by
his frank assessments of their situation, but few of these individuals
truly resent it.
Amid the earnest, sympathetic tone of most self-help writers,
McGraw is a breath of fresh air. He introduces himself in the book by
noting: "Everything has something they do. Some people build houses.
I build strategies for living."
Dr. Phil and Oprah
In 1999, television talk-show host Oprah Winfrey had civil charges
filed against her for fraud, slander, and defamation for statements she
had made about the dangers of "mad cow disease" (bovine spongiform
encephalopathy) in the beef industry and her unwillingness to eat hamburgers.
Forced to stand trial in the white-male-dominated "beef capital
of the world," Amarillo, Texas, she hired courtroom strategist Dr.
Phil McGraw to help with the defense.
Oprah could not believe what was happening to her. She believed
the trial to be totally wrong, yet stood to lose $100 million in addition
to her reputation if she did not win. Despite what was at stake,
McGraw felt that she was not really coming to terms with it. As he
recounts in Life Strategies, he felt forced to look her in the eye one
night and tell her to "wake up," to "get in the game, or these good ol'
boys are going to hand you your ass on a platter."
McGraw realized that this was quite a thing to say to probably the
most influential woman in America, but it had the desired effect. From
that point Oprah resolved to win on the court's terms. She won the
case, McGraw believes, at that moment.

The message
Oprah indeed credited McGraw as crucial to her victory, and rewarded
him with endless airtime on her show. But he relates the story only to
demonstrate his belief that the courtroom is a microcosm of life: People
will take things away from you unless you stand up for what is rightfully
yours, but because life unfolds over a much longer timeframe, you
may not notice that, lacking a clear strategy, you are losing.
The very effective purpose of Life Strategies is to jolt you into realizing
that the "trial" is permanently on and that there is no recess. If it
could be boiled down to nine words, the book's message would be: Life
is serious and you are judged by results.
The life laws
Before he was a court strategist and a writer, McGraw was a student of
what he calls the "life laws." He says:
"No one is going to ask you if you think these laws are fair, or if you
think they should exist. Like the law of gravity, they simply are."
There isn't space to cover all of them here, but the following are a taste.
You either get it or you don't
If you don't "get" what behaviors create what results, if you don't have
a plan for your life (as opposed to wishes or hopes), you are not even
in the race with those who do have these basic skills and strategies.
Part of having this plan is to become a person who "knows the system."
You must become a scholar of human nature and the way things
are done if you are going to get what you want.
McGraw lists the 10 most significant characteristics of how people
think and act that you need to know to get what you want. The first
two are "The number one fear among all people is rejection" and "The
number one need among all people is acceptance."
You create your own experience
You are accountable for your life. If you are in a job you don't like, it's
your fault. If you are in a bad relationship, you got into it. If you don't trust members of the opposite sex, even if you were abused as a child,
it is you who are not doing the trusting. Stop being a victim and start
being responsible for all the results and situations in your life. McGraw
says:
"You have to be a steely-eyed realist who calls it like it is, not like you
want it to be."
To be anything less will prevent you from properly diagnosing your situation
and making the right changes to your life.
People do what works
Why do we end up doing precisely the things we have told ourselves we
don't want to do? Though a certain behavior seems to defy rationality,
there will always be a hidden "payoff" for doing it. Only when you
have discovered what the payoff is will you be able to alter the behavior.
Nevertheless, when a behavior "works" it doesn't necessarily mean
that it is healthy—it works to the extent that by doing it you avoid
some form of risk or rejection.
A young woman came to McGraw with a serious weight problem. It
turned out that she had been sexually abused as a child and that each
time she lost weight, male attention would remind her of horrible past
situations and she would start eating again. Identifying this subtle payoff
alone was enough to break her cycle of self-sabotage. Identify your
payoffs and you'll gain control of your behavior and your life.
You can't change what you don't acknowledge
Psychologists use the term "perceptual defense" to describe those things
our minds cannot face up to. This is commonly called "denial" and
damages every aspect of our lives. Why? Without first being able to see
and name the problem, you'll never be able to deal with it; over time it
consumes you.
Follow the way of Alcoholics Anonymous when looking at your life:
You can only get better once you admit you have a problem. "What
most people want is not truth, but validation," McGraw says. We desperately
want to be right, even if what we are doing is not working.
But to have change, you must do differently. Life rewards action
We should learn, McGraw says, that "the world couldn't care less
about thoughts without actions." Judging your own life by its results
may seem hard-nosed, but it doesn't actually matter whether you like
this approach or not or whether you'd prefer to live by your own set of
rules—the world already has its own. Living by outcomes requires
change and risk, but you get the crucial satisfaction of knowing you are
in control.
"The difference between winners and losers is that winners do
things losers don't want to do," notes McGraw. It maybe a cliché, but
you really do have to do what it takes to get what you want, otherwise
you will remain a "passenger." This applies to family life as much as
career. Be a person who tells someone close what they mean to you—
don't presume that they know. Act on the love you feel or you will
regret it.
There is no reality, only perception
Understand that the world is not necessarily as you perceive it. Everyone
has "filters" and only by acknowledging them can you begin to get
a clearer picture. Even in a close relationship the same simple act can
be viewed differently. A man will see taking out the trash as a duty,
while his wife, because she finds it distasteful, will perceive it as a small
act of love. Try to cultivate a more mindful attitude, make new categories
and connections, appreciate that your "views" might be prejudices.
Most importantly, make sure that the perceptions you do retain
or adopt are grounded in verifiable fact, can be tested. Otherwise, any
actions you take based on your beliefs will be on shaky ground.
The last four life laws are:
? Life is managed; it is not cured.
? We teach people how to treat us.
? There is power in forgiveness.
? You have to name it to claim it.
Final comments
What makes Life Strategies stand out from the crowd of contemporary
self-help books is not just that McGraw "tells it like it is," but that he is genuinely funny. Consider the "Rut Test":
"Question 9: 'Do you only eat out at places where you have to look up
rather than down at the menu?'
"Question 20: 'In order for you to meet someone new, would they have
to throw themselves on the hood of your car, or pull a chair up in front
of your TV set?'"
McGraw refuses to let the reader be part of the "epidemic" of tough
decision avoidance and jelly-like consistency of most twenty-firstcentury
lives. He quotes Mark Twain: "We do not deal much in facts
when we are contemplating ourselves." Yet your life clearly does rest
on facts (who you are with, what you do, the conditions in which you
live), and while it may be fashionable to say that "the most important
thing is that you tried," the world will only take note of success.